Crazy

I don't know how other artists can make things without feeling completely crazy during and after the process.

I worked on a drawing all day today, from about ten am to five thirty. I had to stop working on it in order to go to class.

During the drawing process, there was no real conscious thought. I felt inspired and enjoyed the way the picture was coming together, but I didn't make any conscious decisions about how to draw something, or what the character's facial expressions should be, or anything. It just happens.

I think about the podcast or song I happen to be listening to, and I am conscious of where my water containers and ink bottles are. I often forget to eat, when a drawing is going well...I'm super hungry in class right now.

So yeah, the process of creating art, good art, is almost completely uncontrollable, and largely unplanned, and free for me. I almost feel like I can't take any credit for it, because the pictures just come out, they come from somewhere that I can't name or control.

Now I feel wired and crazy and like an unreal person. Walking outside and being around other people after I've been working all day feels like being thrust into the spotlight and forced to dance, or something. I don't know.

And I love getting lost in a drawing. I love to give myself time to see what happens, and then to step back after a few hours and think, holy shit, I like this!

It's an amazing feeling.

And so, I think part of my art making process comes from some sort of inherent talent...my nana was an artist, and most people on my mom's side can draw well. But also, I have no real idea how or why I can draw the way that I do. It feels like it comes from a place outside myself.

And maybe that is why I feel so fucking crazy sometimes.

I love it. I don't want it to ever go away. I'm just saying.

I'm so hungry right now. Oh heavens. I need food. Oh dear.

When I get to my room I'm going o wr and then work on my drawing. I hope it comes out okay! It's weird to have to leave it in the middle of the process, but I was starting to get jittery from a mocha iced coffee and the colors I was choosing were starting to look strange.

And, scene.